Spanx - the best invention God has ever created....

Summer. Its my favorite time of the year. I have always loved summer weather. I love feeling the sun on my skin. I love how I change from a pasty white into bronzed and blond over a matter of days. It has always been that way. I guess its my genes. But I can be outside in the earliest of late spring/early summer days for merely minutes and have a glowing tan. Being outside in the warmth gives me energy and hope. I feel as if the world is right. I sit here, at 10:00 am on Sunday and I can feel the air change. Autumn is approaching and I am really not ok with that. Don't get me wrong, I love wearing sweaters and jeans, football games and fall festivals. I love Halloween. But I am reluctant to give up my summer. My mom loved fall. She loved football. I can still hear her screaming at the TV when the Nebraska Huskers play. I hope I never forget that sound. What I would give to hear it one more time. Or having her fix our traditional "bar food" buffet for Sunday games. Its the little things....

I try to do the whole "bar food" buffet from time to time, but it just isn't the same. You know what "bar food" is right? Little smokies, nachos, mini tacos, chips and dip etc. Everytime I go to the store to buy it, I get this guilt because the nutritional value is just disgusting and I end up buying healthy food instead. I blame that on my four years of low carb/high protein eating. It works...I mean I have lost a significant amount of weight. But everyone says you need to splurge every once in a while. I try. I really do. But the thought of spending even one more ounce of energy trying to work off a mini taco gets the best of me in the end. At first, I began this journey because I was turning 40 and had a new granddaughter and I wanted to be healthy and active for her. Years of a malfunctioning thyroid had destroyed my body causing weight gain I couldn't control. I have always been active and athletic. I danced growing up and played softball. I lifted weights and ran. But as I turned 35, changes began that I had no control over. Finally, my doctor tested my thyroid and low and behold, it had stopped working. Once I began to take medication to level it out, I got my energy back. I started back at the gym. I, once again, felt the desire to take care of myself. With drastic weight loss, comes the issue of then having your whole body resculpted. I am really not excited about this. I have visited the plastic surgeon. He explained the entire procedure. I think I may feel like Frankenstein when its over. I have a while before that happens, but it is still in my future. He tells me I will lose an additional 70-80 pounds with this surgery. And I have to give up almost an entire summer break to do it. That, my friends, is the price I will pay. My cousin calls it the "bread dough belly"... gross right? Women across the world have it. And thank you Jesus for Spanx. I love them. I have several styles for different outfits. They are truly heaven. Spanx takes all that extra "bread dough" and tightens it up. I feel 18 again! It is hard to explain to men though. Do they even know what we go through as women? I doubt it. I would love to have my 18 year old body back sometimes. Two children and a lifetime of stress has made me who I am. I struggle with the idea of being pretty. I don't know if I am. Is being pretty really in the eye of the beholder?
I have decided that the key to success with anything- job or relationship- is to have fun. I thought online dating would be fun. WRONG. But, I have met a few interesting men. Only one though has sparked my interest. There is some weird connection beyond what I think I have ever experienced. We have a lot in common, and we make each other laugh. We can talk about anything and do. My GOD I can't tell you how refreshing that is. Laughing and having fun. Those weird butterflies have come back from the dead. You know, the ones you get when you get a random text or email. The ones that show up about 10 minutes before you see each other. It gives me some renewed hope in humanity. Its really sad how a bad relationship can really change your perceptions. Even though my breakup was almost a year ago, I never had time to face it. I had to move quickly. Then the holidays were there. My mom had a heart attack and subsequently passed away after months of being in the hospital. Then I had to move back into her house and deal with everything. It's still fresh because I didn't have time to recover. Time heals all wounds.....and that is certainly true.
So, in order to process and heal, I guess I will laugh, have fun, be myself, and go out for some Spanx :)

My life has a new reality. I'm not saying that it's bad, but different. I am experiencing a lot of firsts. It is so hard to do without my mom around, but I do them anyway.
This year I have truly discovered who loves me, who my friends are, and I am finding out who I really am. It is scary, fun, and adventurous.
I got to experience a first with one of my dearest friends....we will call her "Michelle". She has led an extremely sheltered life (by choice I must add). She is a married mom who I joke has never ventured 20 miles from home. So I "kidnapped" her (can you kidnap the willing?) and took her to Hamburger Mary's, a drag/gay restaurant and bar. They have Ham-bingo on Saturdays to raise money for various Gay and Lesbian organizations plus its fun. Honestly I could probably dedicate this whole blog to that experience all on its own. Needless to say, she has discovered a new favorite, and is trying to arrange a visit. My work is complete!
I am also putting myself out there in the dating world. THAT, my friends, IS scary!! Once you have been in a bad relationship (or two or three), it gets harder and harder to open up and try to find someone you want to date. I mean, come on....I am 44 years old, I am not a "barbie" and I can be pretty stubborn (stop stop....I know). So, with some encouragement from a friend, I put myself on a couple of dating websites. One is dedicated to people who technically aren't skinny little people, more for REAL people. I have had a lot of men email and "Like" my picture, but have really only met in person a few. Let me just say this, if you are going to be on a dating website you have to be honest. People WILL find out eventually that your picture is from your 20's, that you have gained 50 pounds, and that you probably do take Viagra. Its OK, just be honest about it. If you drive an ice cream truck, chances are I am probably not going to meet you let alone talk to you. It is so hard though, once you do find someone that you think you may like or that you MAY have some sort of connection with, to trust. Trust. That five letter word. Its so hard for me. I blame my ex-boyfriend, my ex-husband, my dad. I have a tendency to believe that once they get what they want, they are done. Its all an act. So the poor guy that I one day DO meet, will have to be patient....actions speak loud guys! You know, once you are put down or made to feel inferior, your self esteem takes a huge ding. I surely am not the only woman out there experiencing this...am I?
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I am just frustrated that mine hasn't come along yet. I wonder if I will be single forever. Would that be bad?
I am blessed with a tight circle. I have the best friends anyone, man or woman, could ask for. But I am missing something in my life I think. I am missing that 'closeness' you have with a significant other. I miss waking up with someone, going to sleep at night with arms around me, snuggling on the couch watching movies (although my puppy does try), random walks at the lake...you know stuff you can only do with a boyfriend. My friends do try to fill in the gaps. They make sure I always have an invite to a party, drinks, dinner, etc. but it just isn't the same. Is there My Mr. Right out there? I guess time will tell. I do know....I will not settle. I am tired of settling. I want someone who will cherish me and my time, put me on a pedestal and make me feel worthy because I do that for everyone else in my life.
So for now, I will breathe, be patient and meditate. Drink wine, laugh and try to enjoy everything life throws my way. I am not settling for mediocrity.