My life has a new reality. I'm not saying that it's bad, but different. I am experiencing a lot of firsts. It is so hard to do without my mom around, but I do them anyway.
This year I have truly discovered who loves me, who my friends are, and I am finding out who I really am. It is scary, fun, and adventurous.
I got to experience a first with one of my dearest friends....we will call her "Michelle". She has led an extremely sheltered life (by choice I must add). She is a married mom who I joke has never ventured 20 miles from home. So I "kidnapped" her (can you kidnap the willing?) and took her to Hamburger Mary's, a drag/gay restaurant and bar. They have Ham-bingo on Saturdays to raise money for various Gay and Lesbian organizations plus its fun. Honestly I could probably dedicate this whole blog to that experience all on its own. Needless to say, she has discovered a new favorite, and is trying to arrange a visit. My work is complete!
I am also putting myself out there in the dating world. THAT, my friends, IS scary!! Once you have been in a bad relationship (or two or three), it gets harder and harder to open up and try to find someone you want to date. I mean, come on....I am 44 years old, I am not a "barbie" and I can be pretty stubborn (stop stop....I know). So, with some encouragement from a friend, I put myself on a couple of dating websites. One is dedicated to people who technically aren't skinny little people, more for REAL people. I have had a lot of men email and "Like" my picture, but have really only met in person a few. Let me just say this, if you are going to be on a dating website you have to be honest. People WILL find out eventually that your picture is from your 20's, that you have gained 50 pounds, and that you probably do take Viagra. Its OK, just be honest about it. If you drive an ice cream truck, chances are I am probably not going to meet you let alone talk to you. It is so hard though, once you do find someone that you think you may like or that you MAY have some sort of connection with, to trust. Trust. That five letter word. Its so hard for me. I blame my ex-boyfriend, my ex-husband, my dad. I have a tendency to believe that once they get what they want, they are done. Its all an act. So the poor guy that I one day DO meet, will have to be patient....actions speak loud guys! You know, once you are put down or made to feel inferior, your self esteem takes a huge ding. I surely am not the only woman out there experiencing this...am I?
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I am just frustrated that mine hasn't come along yet. I wonder if I will be single forever. Would that be bad?
I am blessed with a tight circle. I have the best friends anyone, man or woman, could ask for. But I am missing something in my life I think. I am missing that 'closeness' you have with a significant other. I miss waking up with someone, going to sleep at night with arms around me, snuggling on the couch watching movies (although my puppy does try), random walks at the lake...you know stuff you can only do with a boyfriend. My friends do try to fill in the gaps. They make sure I always have an invite to a party, drinks, dinner, etc. but it just isn't the same. Is there My Mr. Right out there? I guess time will tell. I do know....I will not settle. I am tired of settling. I want someone who will cherish me and my time, put me on a pedestal and make me feel worthy because I do that for everyone else in my life.
So for now, I will breathe, be patient and meditate. Drink wine, laugh and try to enjoy everything life throws my way. I am not settling for mediocrity.